Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year's Thoughts

Today i woke up with intentions to book myself for some local venues.  I just want to make sure that my next few months are profitable and eventful.  I was immediately distracted by reading articles on the Nominees of "Best Artists of the Year", and such.  not a good place for me.

So here I am, writing my thoughts and trying to sooth my anxieties again.  IDK why I have such harsh self esteem issues, but then, that's why i took the role of XERO: so i could be nobody.  but it's not a good thing that I feel like Nobody today.  Once again I see my friends as competition, and my brothers as rivals.  the world seems to be closed doors to me right now, and IDK if I'll ever be able to walk the path I originally intended to walk.

Today I feel alone.

It's my usual feeling after doing a good Job at a show.  i DJ'd last night for a room full of people who paid good money to watch the ball drop. I wasn't performing.  I was just the DJ.  In a way, I'm more of a "Party Coach" because I have to sell my personality to folks.  This has nothing to do with XERO.

Anyway, whenever i do a good job, I feel lousy the next day.  i have to return to the bottom.  New Year's day is a day for me to set new goals.  It's also the day that I reflect on my shortcomings.  I look at how much I've settled for mediocrity, and It makes me sad.  I was never intended to settled.  I've trained since birth for more.  Yet, I feel cast aside most of the time.

it seems that I live in a world where it is considered foolish to aim higher than factory work, and only the privileged few are allow to succeed.   and then they find me closing in on them. like a hungry lion, taking my share of the kill.  And I think they wonder, "How did he get this far?  Why is HE here."  because I'm not the well groomed or the privileged.  I'm more of the everyday man.  a Scrub.  a Layman.

but today, i feel like less than that.  i feel like I'm setting myself up for rejection again, and it scares me.  I can't stand the thought of being told that My _____ isn't good enough this time around.  IDK what to do about it.

I know this must seem silly to look at and read.  You might say "why do you even make music then?"

IDK, i guess I do it because i HAVE to.  I've tried to quit, but that'll never happen.  i now too much.  I've done too much with my life.  I've seen too many things to quit now.  I'm a seasoned vet, whose roots run deep.  And my songs are my war stories.  they're not always about victory or winning.  They are not always dirges, or laments either.  I am who I am, even if toady, that feels like very little.  my flame has not burned out yet.


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