Wednesday, May 16, 2012

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I fell victim to my burdens last night: Money troubles, Anxiety about work, pursuing my calling in Christ. Well, the 3rd seems to be more of 'pursuing my call outside of Christ' as of late.  I find that I am frequently disappointed in myself for NOT being able to keep up with the norm.  I mean, I work hard.  I work 10-12 hours a day, but it's never enough.  I try so hard.  At night I lay in bed and ask God why I don't get the results I want to see.

No one wants to face the fact that they are NOT trusting in God.  I hate that realization.  I am, in fact, anxious because I trust more in Money and my own ability, than in God at times, and today, I am severely lacking in both.  So, last night, I went for a walk.

*I started walking down the street.

I started talking to God...telling him my troubles.  I was upset, because there was nothing left to do but endure.  I told him about how grateful I am for the grace he's shown me and my family in our home.  Our Landlord should've kicked us out a long time ago, but he hasn't.  He's been very understanding of our situation, as well as patient.

*I turned the corner and was met by a street lamp, about 2-3 blocks length away from an old, dark bridge.

I thanked God for my new job.  It's not a lot of hours at all, but it's work.  Then, i started complaining about my lack of work in my career field.  My destiny is not in my hands right now.  I lack the money to make a difference or get an agent.  I want to be the one in control.

*I stood beneath the street lamp trying to decide if I wanted to venture over the bridge.  It was dark and I didn't know if the was anyone or anything in the surrounding woods that might attack me.  I hoped that there would be another street lamp on the other side of the bridge.  I was still upset so, I started to walk up to the bridge.

I admitted that I was helpless to change my situation.  I didn't have anywhere else to go.  where else could I go.  As it stands, I can't flee town.  I owe the landlord too much, my car is uninsured, and we have no gas.  Even if I went to a temp service, I couldn't get to work.  I don't even really have local friends to help me along or walk with me.  I felt like everyone I know is far away, too busy, or out of touch.  Like distant lights in the horizon.


*I started looking into the woods, wondering if there were coyotes staring at me.  waiting for me to get too far into the darkness to run away before they attacked.


I told God that he was my only guiding light, and I was like a moth.  I'm not captivated by the light so much as I am afraid to venture out into the darkness.  There are things out there that want to devour me.  To see me fall.  To hurt me.

*I thought that this was a good time to start trusting him to protect me.  He knows that if i get eaten by wild dogs, then there would be no one to save me, and no one to take care of my family.

If I got lost, no one would be able to find me in the dark, assuming they looked.  God is my only light.  My only safety.  My only close friend.  He is my only security.  All security I've ever had has failed or been taken away.  All other hope has been lost.  There is no other Hope.  That's why I stay near the light.

*I grew more anxious as I reached the top of the bridge, but it was peaceful, and quiet.  I looked out at the water and a fish made a splash.  The ripples went out in every direction.  It was at this moment, that I heard a painful scream of an animal as if it had been dealt a death blow.  They were in the woods fighting.  I knew for sure that I wasn't alone.

When I was strong, there was always someone stronger.  The beat me an took my wealth.  My lovers left me to die.  I have no money, and somehow, God has sustained us.  He gave me a family.  Though they are my responsibility, it is HE who sustains us.  I have to accept this.

*I started walking back down the bridge, peeking over the rail where I noticed a shiv...a plank-like board about 4 feet in length, much like what a little boy would pretend was a sword, and so would I.  I grabbed the sword and carried over my shoulder, high , and in plain sight for the world to see my new found weapon.  Surely the dogs won't attack me now.

I've worked my fingers to the bone at $14 an hour, at $8 an hour and with nothing guaranteed.  In all cases I've come up a little short, never able to get ahead, but just enough to get by.  It didn't matter the hours, the pay or the budget.  There were time when I had saved up money just as the car was breaking down.  Traffic tickets, and court fines...unexpected bills...family holidays...anxiety attacks and trips to the hospital, and now, when I'm 1 disaster away from defeat, He sustains me. I need to look to Him.

*I had finally made it to the bottom of the bridge, alive and in one piece.  He got me this far.  I could see the next street lamp in plain sight now.  My goal was near.

I think my problems are so big, but on a Global scale, I'm still doing pretty good.  it's a big world out there, but it's just a speck in the universe.  He's bigger than all that.  He MADE that, and as big as it is, it's not even really all that extravagant in comparison to who he is.  He's just expressing himself, just like me.  He created me to do so.  He called m to be a Musician and a Preacher, because that's what he wants me to do.  He deserves to get he credit for keeping me and my family alive the way he does.  I need to keep my eyes on HIM.

*As I got to the street lamp, I wondered how I might look to other people, walking around at night in a black hoodie with a sword propped up on my shoulders, staring at the street lamp. 

He gave me all this talent and skill and ability, and yet, it all proves worthless in my situations.  None of my skills are needed in the factories around here.  I learned that these last 2 years working Construction, demolition, and 2 kinds of factory jobs.  My skills are worthless there, and to be honest, they aren't very sympathetic of my calling either.  My talents don't really line up with the folk scene out here either.  There not many people clubbing or raving anymore.  There's no one hiring for the abilities I have as a minister right now.  I need to have schooling if I want to be taken seriously, and I'm starting to feel that I need to line up with certain doctrine before scripture in a lot of places.

*I realized that right here, in this moment, I was living out all the dreams and visions I had seen in the past.  A lone warrior, traveling through dangerous territory, in hopes to free an enslaved people.  I traveled from place to place, giving groups of people what they needed to get the upper hand in their situations, and to fight back.  When they made their decision to fight back, I always slipped out the door and left them to decide their own fates.  

And, here I was again, with a sword in my hand, looking for the next place to go.  Standing in the light, waiting for a sign, asking God what to do.  I said, 
"It's just me and You now."
It started to rain.
He answered, 
"Where will you go now?  You're far from home, and the situation is undesirable."
I replied,
"I know.  But I'd rather be here, with you.  So I guess I'll just stay here a while."
It rained for about 3 minutes before it stopped all at once.  I stood there and breathed in the fresh air, then I said, "Thanks." and walked back towards the bridge.  

There's no balance.  I can't do both.  I can't "save up until I get on my feet".  That's what I've been trying to do for 10 years.  It's NEVER worked.  Too many variables. I learned that it's not the dollar amount you earn, but rather what God allows you to have that makes the difference.  That's no excuse to be lazy, but it's no excuse to trust in self either.  After all, if I have all the money I need, then what do I need God for?  I certainly don't need him to provide for my rent and clothes and food.  I've got that covered.  Right?  I've got to learn how to trust him NOW.

*As I started up the bridge, I glanced over into the darkness and realized that if something were to actually jump out at me, it would be God's decision.  My life is in HIS hands, not mine.  If something were to attack me, I wouldn't be able to fight it off with a sword-shaped stick anyway.  I'd just be trying to comfort myself in my own ability.

I turned toward the side rail and plunged the stick back into the ground.  I gave it a farewell salute put my hands in my pockets, and walked back into the darkness...back towards the next street lamp...back home.


The legend continues...

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